Let me tell you a story about Scary Ned,
Scariest guy to ever wet a bed.
He had hands on his arms and eyes on his head,
But they weren't his.

He'd go down to the market and try to scare the fish.
He said that they bothered him; they weren't his favorite dish.
Then he'd go down to the highway and pretend that he was dead.
That just the way he was, creepy Scary Ned.

Ohhhh oh, Scary Ned.

Ned loved Halloween 'cause he didn't need a mask.
He'd steal the children's candy; he didn't even ask.
He'd sit right down in front of them and then he'd start to eat.
He'd tell them they were better off 'cause that stuff can rot your teeth.

Ohhhh oh, ohhhh oh, Scary Ned.

strange glow came from his place late into the night.
He'd watch T.V. 'til the dawn, you know that ain't right.
When he got tired [bad word] sauerkraut on his head.
That's just the kind of guy he was, good old Scary Ned.

Ohhhh oh, ohhhh oh, ohhhh oh, Scary Ned.

He had a face his mother didn't love.
When people saw on the street, they often said "Uughh!"
Sometimes late at night he'd walk alone.
He'd be reciting stuff,
Bad sounding stuff,
Icky awful stuff,
But when you got to know him, he weren't so bad.

Ohhhh oh, Scary Ned.
Ohhhh oh, ohhhh oh, ohhhh oh, Scary Ned.

He's pretty scary, Scary Ned.
Really scary, Scary Ned.
He's scary, hence the name Scary Ned.
I s-saw him yesterday. He said hi.
I got scared, 'cause he's Scary Ned.
If he weren't scary, he'd probably be called like, Happy Ned.
Who wants to hear a song about Happy Ned?