when i was six years old my sister alyson 
asked for a stove for her birthday 
a miniature one you could actually cook with 
and my mom was nice and she bought one 

alyson needed a reason to bake something 
barged in my room and she grabbed me 
she said: 
"i made a cake and we're going next door 
to sam weinstein's and you're getting married" 

the cake was burned 
it tasted gross 
she made me kiss him 
on the mouth 

now i am 33 
unmarried happily 
no plans in life and i'm planning to keep it that way 
i do kissing with only one mission 
do you like to kiss? then you have my permission 

and i have already spent too much time 
doing things i didn't want to 
so if i just want to make out all the time 
you can bet your black [bad word] that i'm going to 

when i was nine i was kind of a loser 
the kids in my class didn't like me 
melanie chow was the meanest of all 
and my mom made me go to her party 

nobody talked to me i sat there quietly 
drawing with crayons on a napkin 
a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork 
her legs getting eaten by lions 

the cake was good 
i took some home 
i had a party 
in my room 

now i have friends and i'm not such a loser 
but i go to bars all alone and i sit there 
and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people 
yes that's how i like it 

and i've already spent too much time 
doing things i didn't want to 
so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine 
you can bet your black [bad word] that i'm going to 

yes [bad word] here often 
sure i'll have another one 
yes [bad word] here often 
sure i'll have another one 
but i don't have to talk to you 

when i was 17 i was a [bad word] queen 
picking up tips from the masters 
i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after 
now i'm still a [bad word] queen (far more selectively) 
i don't make love now to make people love me 
but i don't mind sharing my gift with the planet 
we're all gonna die and a [bad word] #39;s fantastic 

and 

when i was 25 i was a rock star 
but it didn't pay too well i had to strip on the side 
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by 
baby they'd never know 
what a bargain they'd gotten 
and if i'm forgotten 
i'm perfectly happy with all that has happened 
and i still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me 
i'm just so glad to hear laughter around me 

and i've already spent too much time 
doing things i didn't want to 

so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate 
or look like a [bad word] 
or wear high heels and lipstick 
or hide in a convent 
or try to be mayor 
or marry a writer 
smoke crack and slash tires 
make jokes you don't like 
or paint ducks and retire 

YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK [bad word] THAT I'M GOING TO