There’s questions we’re always hearing every where we go
Like how do I cut a record or get on a country show
Well, it takes more than just ambition and three chords on an old guitar
There’s a few more thing you ought to learn to be a country star.

You have to learn to sing like Waylon or pick like Jerry Reed
Yodel like Jeannie Shepard write songs like Tom T
Put a cry in your voice like Haggard learn Spanish like Johnny R
Whisper like Bill Anderson and you’ll be a country star.

Play piano like Ronnie Milsap or Gilley or Jerry Lee
Yo-yo like Roy Acuff or talk plain like Ralph Emery
Growl like Conway Twitty get a red white and blue guitar
Build a swimming pool like Webb did and you’ll be a country star.

Be tall like Sonny James or tell jokes like Minnie Pearl 
Be short like Jimmy [bad word] or play five-string like Earl 
Get a hip band like Willie learn to stutter like M-Mel 
Get a cap like Roy Clark wore or a voice like Barbara Mandrell.

Be rich like Eddy Arnold say you’re making more than you are
Get a gimmick like Charley Pride got and you’ll be a country star.

But if you have no talent and you’re not a male
If you’re built somewhat like Dolly or have a face like Crystal [bad word] back stage and ask for Harold, Phil, Don or Lou
And we’ll see you auditioned for the Statler Brothers Review...