Tom [bad word] is so in love with Katie 
At least all his people tell him so 
And while he thinks that she’s a very special lady 
It’s probably not the way he’d choose to go 
And a lifetime of longing looks would cause too much distraction 
Good thing that he’s not [bad word] anymore 

Tom [bad word] is Tom [bad word] crazy 
Just be glad it’s him not you 
If you had Tom [bad word] s troubles 
You might be Tom [bad word] crazy too 
You’d flash your big white shiny smile 
You’d buy expensive shoes 
But you’d be the only man on Earth 
Who couldn’t enjoy Tom [bad word] 
Oh no, you couldn’t enjoy Tom [bad word] 

Tom [bad word] is always getting older 
He knows he’ll never be that young again 
And when Tom [bad word] looks back over his shoulder 
He says a thousand younger leading men 
He knows someday he’ll have to play 
An old retarded grandpa 
While someone younger plays his y son 

Tom [bad word] is Tom [bad word] crazy 
Just be glad it’s him not you 
If you had Tom [bad word] s troubles 
You might be Tom [bad word] crazy too 
You’d flash your big white shiny smile 
You’d buy expensive shoes 
But you’d be the only man on Earth 
Who couldn’t enjoy Tom [bad word] 
Oh no, you couldn’t enjoy Tom [bad word] 

Tom [bad word] knows somewhere there’s a place for him 
He’s not of this world anymore... 

Somewhere in some secluded castle 
Poor Tom [bad word] sits staring at the wall 
And the outside world is always such a hassle 
Sometimes he won’t go out at all 
There are millions who know his name 
Everybody loves him 
Why is it that he feels so alone? 

Tom [bad word] is Tom [bad word] crazy 
Just be glad it’s him not you 
If you had Tom [bad word] s troubles 
You might be Tom [bad word] crazy too 
You’d flash your big white shiny smile 
You’d buy expensive shoes 
But you’d be the only man on Earth 
Who couldn’t enjoy Tom [bad word] 
Oh no, you couldn’t enjoy Tom [bad word]