Janey was immature, so I left her.
Jessica disappeared on me after being miserable for a year.
And just last month, Rachael tried to kill me.
After I dumped Rachael, I picked up Kelly. She didn't work out either so I dumped her too.
After that break up, I thought long and hard about what needed to happen next. I needed to re-evaluate what I wanted and what needed to happen. I needed to find someone, or something, that would make me happy.
Last Saturday night, I went out. I wasn't really looking for love, but I found it.
So here we are again, but this time I think I got it right. I think I found my happy ending, my slice of perfection.
My new girlfriend's name is Marissa, and she’s perfect.
People always act like it’s so hard to get a girlfriend.
Guys, just look around. Seriously. There’s a ton of potential everywhere. Just look at me. Finding a girlfriend is simple.
I scored the perfect one this time. My ex, Kelly, was such a mess. She couldn’t go a day without falling apart over the tiniest thing.
Do you know how annoying that is? [bad word] home and find your girlfriend in pieces for absolutely nothing?
It’s miserable, and I dumped her because she couldn’t keep her [bad word] together.
Definitely not the type of girl you want to put a ring on.
My new girlfriend though... [bad word] me.
Yeah, I know. It’s corny, and it's really too soon to be saying that. I’m all too aware. [bad word] me. [bad word] me though.
She’s perfect.
She's gorgeous.
She’s mine.
You know those waify girls in the magazines [bad word] that real women always [bad word] about?
That’s Marissa to a T. Real women may have curves, but I’m not attracted to that. I actually like seeing my girlfriend’s hipbones. For me, hipbones are y.
Also, I could care less about huge [bad word]  Marissa’s are tiny, almost not even there. [bad word] just get in the way.
And Marissa’s smile? Wow. Her smile is radiant and constant. It fills me with the hope that things are getting better.
Did I mention the ?
Having  with her is amazing. Because she’s so thin, she never gets her period. I’m balls deep 24/7 and she’s always willing to give me a [bad word]  It’s awesome.
The only bad thing is the cold feet. I guess that’s not really all that bad though. Most women have cold feet.
I'm feel like I'm finally on the cusp of [bad word] happiness. Janey was a mistake, and Rachael was a bad decision. I like to think that I'm moving forward with my life. Marissa and I are in it for the long haul. I finally have hope and everything I ever dreamed of. Well, almost everything.
Last night, Marissa and I sat down and had a long talk. I think we’re ready for kids.
I know what you're gonna say. You think you're ready for kids after one week?
The answer is most assuredly yes, and I'm going to get right on that once I find my shovel.
It's all that's keeping me from my happy ending. I think the last place I used it was at the cemetery.
Last Saturday night, if I'm not mistaken.