I thought I'd be happy in heaven
I thought it would be swell
I thought I'd be happy in heaven
In fact I'm as unhappy as [bad word]  
The harps, they all bore me
St. Peter's jokes are a farce
The angels look down their noses
because I'm from a different class
 
St. Mathews discovered religion
He converts people every day
Whenever he gets near me
I tell him to go away

St. Christopher, I've [bad word] to him
I told him what he could do with his staff
I told him where he could stick it
And he didn't laugh

Only old Mary is good'un
Yeah, she's a good sort
She's generous with everyone
She's a good sport
 
And God, he's a miserable [bad word] He's always making [bad word] I'm terribly disillusioned
I think he's a silly old fool

Jesus, he plays the guitar
He sings like Joni Mitchell
I thought I'd be happy in heaven
But in fact I'm unhappy as [bad word]