Wanna have some quality time with my son 
So I brought him down to the fishin' hole 
Didn't like the feelin' of that worm in his hand 
Got mad, threw down his fishin' pole 

Said, "That's alright, son. Let's go and get an ice cream" 
"Let your old man buy you a treat" 
But he didn't like no flavors up upon that wall 
Started crying, and ran into the street... 

He's an [bad word]  my kid's an [bad word] 
I swear it just don't float my boat 
Always crying, always crying 
Made me wanna punch him in his little throat 
Called my lady up to tell her what had happened 
How our son [bad word] away 
She said, "Don't worry, baby, I will talk to him" 
"And everything will be okay" 

My lady's an [bad word]  she's an [bad word] 
Her assholishness is off the charts 
Always perfect, always perfect 
Made me wanna punch her in her lady-parts 

I decided I'd go down to the bar 
And drown my sorrows in a beer 
But the sign outside said 'Closed For Renovations' 
'We'll open up again next year'... 

That bar is an [bad word]  it's an [bad word] 
Oh, the worst bar in the land! 
Always closing, always closing 
Can't punch a bar, cause you'll hurt your hand 
I went home to forget about my troubles 
Sat down in my favorite eazy chair 
But I couldn't relax from the pain I was feelin' 
As my hemorrhoid began to flair... 

My [bad word] #39;s an [bad word]  a real [bad word] 
Needs to put his [bad word] self in check! 
Always burning, always itching 
Made me wanna punch him in his [bad word] neck 

Late one night, lyin' awake in bed 
Mmmm, a realization came 
Are there really [bad word] everywhere I look? 
Or am I the one to blame? 
Maybe I just do not say the things I should say 
And I don't do the things I ought 
So I took a good, hard look at myself in the mirror 
And this is what I thought... 
The guy who sold me this mirror is an [bad word]  he's an [bad word] 
Son of a [bad word] said it was antique 
He was lyin', he was lyin' 
Made me wanna punch him in his salesman cheek 

I'm on a real [bad word] streak 
I could open up an [bad word] boutique 
I think this song has reached its peak 
Goodbye, you [bad word]  see you next week!