Sarah Silverman: hey jimmy.. it’s me. I’m in ahh, a hotel. I don’t know I’ve been on the road so long, I don’t even know what city I’m in any more to be honest. anyway. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. and ahh. I’ve been needing to tell you something. I don’t know why I haven’t but it’s important. I mean we’ve been together for so long over 5 years. and I still haven’t told you and it’s just not right. so here it goes.

Sarah Silverman: I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: I’m sorry but it’s [bad word] 
Sarah Silverman: I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: I’m not imagining it’s you!
Sarah Silverman: I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: on the bed. On the floor. On a towel by the door. In the tub. In the car. Up against the mini-bar.
Sarah Silverman: I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: while you’re drinking diet snapple.
Sarah Silverman: I said I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she said she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: hey kimmel. How do you like them apples? Get it? ‘cause.’ cause I’m talking about her [bad word] .
Sarah Silverman: yeah. It’s... it’s funny.
Sarah Silverman: hey Jim. Don’t take it sad. Remember all the good times we had. Like the time we went fishing. And we caught a bunch of fish. Then you puked in the bucket. on the fish that we caught.
Girls: knock knock!
Boys: who’s that knocking at my door?
Girls: imefa!
Boys: imefa who?
Girls: I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Boys: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: analyze!
Everyone: f-u-c-k Matt D-a-m-o-n. i said f-u-c-k Matt D-a-m-o-n!
Sarah Silverman: I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: and you know that i aren’t lying!
Sarah Silverman: I said I’m [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: ask the insider’s pat O’Brien!
The insider’s pat O’Brien: it’s [bad word]  The insider has confirmed that she is in fact [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: remember when last week when i was playing scrabble with you online. I was [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: remember when you went back and forth to do your show and regis and kelly’s show. she was definitely [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: remember when i told you, i was [bad word] Matt Damon? I was [bad word] Matt Damon.
Sarah Silverman: on the bed. On the floor. On a towel by the door. In the tub. In the car. Up against the mini-bar.
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: she’s [bad word] Matt Damon!
Sarah Silverman: I love l. a.!
Sarah Silverman: so. That’s it. umm. I think I was clear?
Matt Damon: no. you did great.
Sarah Silverman: oohh. It was okay.
Matt Damon: pretty [bad word] good.
Sarah Silverman: ummm. Anyway. umm. You know. we had a [bad word] jim and ahhh. I hope there’s no hard feelings. I hope we can be friends. I’m friends with all my boyfriends. My old boyfriends. if anything isn’t clear or you need closure of some kind. Please, please call my publicist amy zvi at bncpr. so take care.
Matt Damon: you know what? Stop right there. jimmy we’re out of time. Sorry.
Sarah Silverman: you are so bad!
Matt Damon: a little bit. let’s put that guitar down and go [bad word] in my bed. see ya jimmy.