Santa Claus:

Sweet robes, Obi Wan-too many days in the sun

Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun!

I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer

You represent sandals and a scraggly beard

I'm from the North Pole. That's why my rhymes are so cold

I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal

You've been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs

You'd best arrest yourself; you broke your own law!

Or was there something [bad word] Six I didn't understand?

My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand"

I read your book. You got a strict religion

No bacon? But mandatory circumcision?

I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents

But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!

Moses:

When I was high up on the mountain, God revealed the [bad word] of the Earth

But he never mentioned a fat [bad word] Papa Smurf

It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat [bad word] 
You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass

You need to stop breakin into houses and creepin' and peepin'

On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my stocking

Don't you "Ho Ho" me

I'll split your [bad word] in half like I did the Red Sea

You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow

Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go

Elves:

We ain't slaves!

All that sand turned your brain to mush!

Claus:

I think you need to stop smokin' all that burnin' bush

Elves:

Yeah, we're magical workers, man!

We hang with reindeers

Yo, here's a GPS!

Who gets lost for forty years?

Claus:

You're a glorified secretary, so write this down

Elves:

Begat deez nutz

Claus:

Santa Claus [bad word]  to town

Moses:

So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.

It's kinda hard talking directly to the O single 
Hand me my chisel, I got a [bad word] for y'all

Thou shalt not let your children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall

I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy

And walk of into the land of my milk and honies