Wow, check out this place. Check out everything.

Check out the glamour, the glitter, 
people Tweeting on the Twitter
and no one's [bad word] and bitter yet 'cuz no one has lost. 
Look at the diamonds, the dresses, 
people going to excesses, 
the stress is on and everybody's fingers are crossed.

I know the camera's on and we're behaving our best. 
Yet, I secretly hope someone pulls a Kanye West.

But we are here tonight, with our Xanax and Dior, 
thank you lists and publicists who fought the Oscar war. 
Tonight we toast what we love most 
and I am thrilled to be your host.

'Cuz all of it is for moving pictures, 
shadows and lies,
like a magic trick done in plain sight. 
Why do we love them? Why do we care? 
When they're just moving pictures that aren't really there

But then I think of Chaplin and Monroe 
and Argo and Fargo 
or when Marty made his car go back in time at the mall
And then there's Bardot and Brando 
and Billy Dee as Lando 
or when Sharon [bad word] and unsettled us all.

I gasped when Indy went back for his hat 
or when I think of all the tension between Ben and Matt. 
[pause]
Oh, my stars

How about transformers that transform 
and perfect storms that storm.
And small town girls who change the world by challenging the norm
Godfather 2, the movie Clue 
and all these films that inspired you to stand up and perform.

Moving pictures
Take us over the rainbow, across the fields of our dreams.
In the heat of the night to defeat and to fight evil schemes.
To swim or to spin, 
to dance or to sing,
to flee down a flight in fright,
yes, moving pictures [bad word] to life tonight.

[Anna Kendrick joins] Moving pictures.

[Kendrick] Where is my shoe?
[Harris] Is this your Jimmy Choo? 
[Kendrick] Why yes.

[Both] Moving pictures
[Harris] and how they can move you.
[Kendrick] And also improve you.
[Harris] The joy of pretending,
[Kendrick] and such happy endings except for in Girl Gone when that lady slit your throat.
[Harris]Spoiler alert.
[Both]Moving pictures...

[Jack Black] Stop. This is what you sound like: 
'Movies, movies wow they rock'
Listen kid, it's all a big crock.
Now it's market trends 
and fickle friends 
and Hollywood baloney.
Listen Neil, you're better off just polishing your Tony
This industry's influx;  [bad word] by mucky-mucks,
pitching tents for tentpoles and chasing Chinese bucks.
Opening with lots of zeroes,
all we get is superheroes.
Superman, Spider Man, Batman, 
Jedi man, sequel man, prequel man.
Formulaic scripts
and after 50 Shade of Grey, they'll all have leather whips.

In a world where our breeds are [bad word] machines, 
the only screens we're watching are these.
Screens are these
Screens are these
The only screens we're watching...

[Harris] JACK! I'm trying to...I'm kinda in the...Would you mind?
[Black] I know but
[Kendrick] BEAT IT. 
[Black] Fine.

[Harris] Yes, dreams for films can stall
[Kendrick] Scripts can hit a wall
[Harris] Stars may pass
[Kendrick] Or fire your [bad word] [Harris] And weekly grosses fall.
But when they hit, you must admit, 
they sometimes change your view of it in ways both big and small

Moving pictures, millions of pixels on screens.
They may not be real life, but they'll show you what real life means
more than any one image
more than anyone star [bad word] 

Moving pictures shape who we are
whether we're big brained and British
Or hiking and skittish
a legendary leader
a Birdman in theater 
a boy we watch until he's grown
a sniper in [bad word] zone
a wealthy philanthropic creep
magic Meryl effin Streep
Lobby boys and bleeding [bad word] All these new up [bad word] 
Who will get a statue?
Results [bad word] at you 
At the 87th Oscars moving picture show.