Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt.

You know we have more prescription [bad word] now. [bad word] that comes on TV is a prescription [bad word] ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this.
Half the time I don’t even know what [bad word] is… [bad word] in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That [bad word] with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools .
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna to dance in our strip clubs?
What’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of [bad word] daddys missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high speed connection?
(baby sing sing sing, sing your song, sing for [bad word] on now sing, sing sing sing, sing your song, sing for me (sing sing sing song))
Masterminds another word [bad word] up all the time.
You keep hearing about thesea thesa terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack. then you get on bus and you blow yourself up.”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the [bad word] mastermind here? Me or you?”

Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. Obesity! They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”

Nobody knows why were getting fatter. Look at our lifestyles.
I’ll sit at a drive [bad word] 
I’ll sit there, ill sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meals super sized want biggie fries with that want jumbo frie wanta go large want a biggie fry You wantto have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother [bad word]  There’s room in the bag. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon [bad word] of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents.

baby sing sing sing sing your song sing for me [bad word] on now sing) baby sing sing sing sing your song sing for me (sing sing sing song)

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a lotta time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your [bad word] before you start thinking
“ I’m going to take over the world [bad word]  youll see I’ll show them.”

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
and yet the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on [bad word] or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m gonna to us