Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a bad [bad word] 
He was seventeen feet tall, he had a hundred and fifty wives 
He didn't do that much except he saved the game of baseball 
He put two and two together and he noticed it was four 
Now the treachery of Shoeless Joe can't hurt us anymore 
And he'll always be remembered as Kenesaw Mountain Landis 

Fellow named Joe Jackson was a fielder for the Black Sox 
And he always wore his black socks, but he never wore no shoes 
He weren't the nicest fellow and he had a couple problems 
Cause he drank a lot and he beat his wife and he always [bad word] 
He killed and ate some babies and he copped an attitude 
And the one man that he hated most was Kenesaw Mountain Landis 

The mafia said Shoeless Joe 
You should [bad word] this show 
You should be the guy who owns baseball 
And all you really gotta do 
Is help us make a buck or two 
We'll bet on the other team 
You'll lose the game but make it seem 
Like nothing could be further from the [bad word] 

Shoeless Joe did what they said he dropped a couple fly balls 
And he walked up to the pitcher and he poked him in the eye 
And in the seventh inning with the Black Sox nearly beaten 
There was someone who was watching from his blimp above the stands 
Cradling a rifle in his thick and meaty hands 
And as if you hadn't guessed yet it was Kenesaw Mountain Landis 

Kenesaw said drop that glove 
Or I swear by God above 
I'll make you regret playing baseball 
And Shoeless Joe looked up and saw 
The silver rifle's gaping maw 
And though no one had noticed yet 
His underwear was getting wet 
He peed himself in front of everyone 

Shoeless Joe was finished but he couldn't quite admit it 
So he raised his middle finger up above the other four 
And Kenesaw took careful aim and fired a single bullet 
And he shot that dirty finger off and he dropped his [bad word] gun 
And everybody in the stands knew that he had won 
And today they still refer to him as Kenesaw Mountain Landis 

Shoeless Joe left baseball and became a famous pop star 
And he asked the musical question is she really going out with him 
He had a couple albums and [bad word] in the 80's 
But he never won a Grammy and he never was the same 
And he never could be satisfied with critical acclaim 
Cause the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello 
Yes the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello