I woke up this morning
Oh my, what a terrible surprise
My ears and nose had fallen off in the middle of the night
On my way to work my hand got jammed in a door
I still can’t believe it, my whole arm fell on the floor

Two dogs began to follow me
While I was walking down the street
Then one of them bit my leg
And ran away with it

This is the ballad of
The [bad word] man
Who fell apart bit by bit
Till there was nothing left

So I quickly left the office
I was totally upset
My body was [bad word] and I wasn’t even dead yet
My skin was getting swollen, my hair had already gone
I even lost an eyeball on the bus while I was riding home

When I finally got home
My wife had already fled
Oh, I tried really hard not to lose my head

This is the ballad of
The [bad word] man
Who fell apart bit by bit
Till there was nothing left

Oh, what an awful day I had
With stressful days like this
It can get really hard to keep
Oneself all in one piece