Maybe loneliness isn't what I thought it was.
Because I've been alone a lot lately
And it's brought upon me a new kind of sadness
And depression I've never felt before. [bad word] sadness and I don't want to let go of it.
This newly discovered sadness is [bad word] my identity.
This sadness.

I went on a drive the other night and instead of writing like usual,
I just yelled every word that touched my lips.
I asked God who I was talking to
But I guess it was Him the whole time.
I don't remember anything I said that night but I wish I did
Because in that moment I [bad word] honest.
This sadness and deep anger slowly dripped from my heart
And I like to believe it's slowly being released
But it's equally being filled back up.

After that drive I went up to the Rocky Butte.
I stood at the very top and I looked down at the city of Portland.
I thought of jumping off that cliff but two fears stopped me.
The fear of going to [bad word] and the fear of not dying.
It all leads to one thing.
Death.
I'm afraid to die, and not to die.
Although sometimes I think it'd be nice to see death by my own will
And defeat it just barely, like a cry for help.
But that won't ever happen because I'm not courageous enough.
Will a suicide attempt make people distance themselves from me
Or will they draw closer
With [bad word] hand and sympathetic words.
If I try to kill myself
Would it make people talk to me with real words?
Would they care more?

I sit in inside this coffee shop.
I wish the girl I think I love was here and knew I was writing this. But yet I can never tell her because it might scare her away.
Anyways, I need to stop writing. Or not.

I'm listening to this poem,
"I am the reason I'm alone and I don't know how to fix it."
Maybe it's my fault.
Who am I kidding. Of course it's my fault!
I will always be alone because I'm me and I cannot change that.
And no one else can change me because I'm alone.
And that's my fault.
But Gods grace.
If suicide gets me to heaven then give me a gun.
But I'm not sure so I'll stay here and I'll try my best to change.
I need to ask God to change me but this sadness is my identity and I can't let it go.
I need to try though.
Over this weekend that would be my goal.
Maybe God could even use my sadness to reach others.
"It's okay"
That's what he said.
These thoughts are normal.
"I love you God! Thank you! Glory!"
You do not change.
I will never kill myself.
And I will make sure I give all these thoughts to You.

Right now I feel like I need to have a real, deep and honest conversation.
With someone who's not myself.
Dear Jesus.
I pray you give me someone real I feel like I can talk to.
Right now though I'll talk to you.
And that's okay.
I love you.
Sometimes when my timing isn't in line with yours
I think that means you don't hear me.
But that's not [bad word] 
You always hear me.
Right now I'm not happy but I can still be joyful.
Fill me with joy.
Remove this sadness.
Let it be honest.
Let it be real.
And let me enjoy it.
I just don't want to waste my last chance.