Bayswater Ain't a Bad Place to Be
 [bad word]  Gers)

It's getting faster lads! Hurry up! [bad word] Metallica in the rear-view mirror! And it's also a (leads) by (electric)... (too fast to understand) At the finish it's prick... It's... And at the finish it's prick followed by the [bad word]  followed by [bad word] with [bad word] finishing a close fourth.

Nicko: Are we off? [bad word]  Yeah!
Nicko: A-one, two-two, th... Er... three. (acoustic guitar starts) [bad word] (putting on Rod Smallwood's Yorkshire accent): I don't know what this bloody track's doing there... bloody track. What are these bloody [bad word] ... What is?... What are you doing here? What about doing all this bloody music? Stop that! Stop that (Nicko)! Bloody [bad word]  I've had this! What about the bloody (degrad)... [bad word] about in the bloody studio all the time! I mean I'm bloody sat here working my fingers to the bone, trying to get this bloody album out at the top of the bloody artwork and Steve wants some bloody blobby tatoo on his bloody willie to draw the bloody head in. What the bloody [bad word] do they think I am? I've bloody got to walk into the bloody EMI, Capitol, and the biggest bloody [bad word] in the bloody world and say "Look here's a bloody picture of a bloody Eddie with a bloke and his [bad word] [bad word] ! What the bloody [bad word] do you all think they're gonna make of that?

Why can't they write songs about proper things like cricket? Aaargh, God! Boycott! There we go, man! There, man! They're writing bloody stupid songs these day, you know what I mean? Gremlins Two the bloody great film, you know. If I'd wanted the band to be bloody in it well they'd be bloody in it and all this, you know, bloody stupid. Bloody blood everywhere, it's brilliant! Bloody [bad word]  where's the bloody cricket? I know it's christmas! It shouldn't make any [bad word] difference should it, they should be putting cricket on. Speaking of christmas, I invited some [bad word] round at christmas. He ain't paid me for the bloody turkey yet. What did he have? Two-thirds of a breast and half a thigh. That'll be five pounds sixty-three pence. What a [bad word]  there's some bloody [bad word] around these days. You never know they stab you in the back as soon as look at you.

Nicko! Nicko! Nicko stop wearing that bloody jacket and those (unintelligible). You look bloody pregnant, man. Oooh, don't give me that stupid look . How many bloody change have you got? Never mind how many change I've got. How many bloody change have you got? Couldn't you dress appropriately on a golf course, Nicko. Nooo! You don't wear... You [bad word] onto a bloody golf course or a bloody [bad word] wearing a bloody... a bloody silk bloody satin bloody whatever the bloody [bad word] it is, would you? Well, I don't care if you're a pop star, you're a bloody... you're on a bloody golf course now. You're bloody embarrassing me. You're embarrassing me. [bad word] with a bloody jacket and tie next time, I tell you.

Now, shut up 'cos I'm going to adjust... no, I'm not gonna bloody adjust you anymore, I'm gonna adjust the ball. Right, I'm adjusting the ball. I'm standing here right now, ok. (mumbles something unintelligible) Where's the bloody ball? Right here, right. See now... Fault! Fault! Get out of the bloody way, you stupid...! Get out of the way, you stupid [bad word]  Get out! I'm bloody going to play the f... I'm bloody going to play the ball! [bad word] f... I'll hit them on the bloody head never mind. Right. Here we go, right. Whooooo... [bad word]  [bad word] off! [bad word] [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word]  It's all you bloody fault. It's all you bloody fault. It's all... I can pick it up, can't I? Why not?! What is it? What? What's up with the [bad [bad word]  What [bad word]  These stupid [bad word]  Well how should I... Where is it? In the water!? What am I suppos... Look! Well you'll have to get it. It's your bloody fault. You bloody get it! Yes, now! I'm not... I don't care if it's not part of your job description. Record producer? Wha... Well you'll never bloody work again. Get in that bloody water now or you'll never bloody work again. Bloody nerve! Record producer! You know who I am? What do you mean you've never heard of me? You must have seen me number plate, it's on me Range Rover. Where do I live? Well how should I know if there's any mountains in Bayswater? (unintelligible) anyway. (unintelligible) bloody legs, aren't they?

You know, I mean... I mean what good is the bloody music without the... see, what good is the bloody music without the sleeve I ask him. No! No! No! Nobody's bothered about the music Steve. Only you and the fans. I mean... I mean if it wasn't for the bloody fans I wouldn't be here! You understand? You know, I mean I'm only bloody... I'm not doing this for fun! You know, I mean... Steve... No, no, no. Steve... No, no, no. No need to talk to me like that Steve. Now look... Now look, I'm only arguing with you for fun, Steve. No, of course I don't mean it. I just want to give you the (unintelligible) driving to an early grave, you know.

But, er... Nick... Oh, oh... Nicko! Nicko! Nicko, not behind that bush. Nooo! It's Win... It's Windsor bloody golf course, the bloody queen plays here. If she [bad word] played golf she'd play here! Oh for Christ's... What if bloody lord what's his name walked here. Ooooh.....

You what? "Fear Of The Dark"? You want to call it "Fear Of The Dark"? (sighs) Hold on, I'll see what the bloke at the bloody off-license thinks about it. Like, listen. I've spoken to the bloke at the bloody off-license and I've spoken to the minicab driver, and he thinks it should be called "Blood-Sweating Beer", nothing like a bloody good Yorshire title, like. Look, you get on with the bloody music and we'll deal with important stuff like, you know, the marketing and the design and the sleeve and the photograph, anything goes to me. I've got a lot better title. What about "L.A.'s From Here To Eternity" or "Bayswater Ain't Bad Place To Be". Well I know Bayswater isn't rock'n'roll, Steve, but neither was Monterey until bloody Hendrix went there. The Isle of Wight was never bloody rock'n'roll until the bloody Beatles went there. Oh I know the Beatles never went there, but it's only a bloody detail. Don't be so [bad word] pedantic. Oh, bloody [bad word]  What? This bloody song? This bloody song... what about calling it... what about calling it "Fear Of The Gulf"? "Fear Of The Gulf" No, not the Gulf! You don't want to depress everybody. What's that got to do with... You've already got a song about the Gulf War. "Afraid To Shoot Strangers", this is about the Gulf War. Well the Gulf War's over, Steve! It's already happened and it's not news anymore. Couldn't you change it, one letter and make it about golf. Golf's happening all the time! It happens every bloody year. The Gulf War never happens every bloody year, does it? I mean they'll have forgotten about it in five years' time. You're not singing about the bloody Second World War now. But nobody's singing songs about golf. You'll go to the bloody market, I'm telling you! You will! You will!

What is this bloody bit of graffitti on the bog wall? "I'm not afraid to shoot managers"! Who put it there? Who put it there, hands up! Who put it there? Who did? Mark? Mark put it there? He bloody works for me. He never told me he could read or write! I'll have to bloody watch my back now. There's a bloody conspiracy theory going on. Bloody [bad word] 

Who wants to talk to me? Who? Who's on the phone? An artist? Bloody numby [bad word]  tell him to [bad word] off I'm watching the bloody golf. Oh, somebody still owes me for half the cost of that bloody turkey when he came 'round for christmas dinner. Bloody nerve! Mind you! Mind you, you do have to look up. You know, I mean the lads, they not so bad. I know they don't mean everything they say because... because ultimately I'm always right. And in the end it's always my ideas that do get chosen even though I didn't think of them. Well, not quite. I mean I like to think of meself as being a... a creative Geoffrey Boycott. You know, like the bloke who stood there for hours and hours until the crowd went still, and then he was still shown on the telly after they were all dead. Oh, yes! The legend will live on! And they bloody know me down the Indian, you know. I'm a bloody superhuman cricket man, boycotting existential golfing machine! I can't dig the Blues, but I can dig a bloody (unintelligible), I can bloody tell you! I'm a matchless millionaire, a bloody volcanised (unintelligible). Roderick Smallwood, made my own bloody number plate. I'll bloody tell them. I tell you I'm bloody glad I came back here from L.A. ...England bloody needs me.