I could have a mansion on the hill
 I could lease a villa in Seville
 But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio
 With a [bad word] midget named Karl, playing Tevia and Porgy

 I could wander Paris after dark
 Take a carriage ride through Central Park
 But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio
 Where I'm sharing a room with a "former" stripper and her snake: Wayne

 I could have a satchel full of dollar bills
 Cures for all the nations ills
 Pills to make a lion purr
 I could be in line to be the British queen
 Look like I was seventeen
 Still I'm certain I'd prefer to be going slowly batty
 Forty miles east of Cincinnati

 I could shove an ice pick in my eye
 I could eat some fish from last July
 But it wouldn't be as awful as a summer in Ohio
 Without cable, hot water, Vietnamese food, or you

 I saw your book at a Border's in Kentucky
 Under a sign that said "New and [bad word] 
 I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve and then I couldn't leave
 Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet
 And he said, "All things considered, I guess you don't have to buy it"
 So I smile like Mona Lisa, and I lay my Visa down

 He wants me, he wants me, but he ain't gonna get me
 I've found my guiding light, I tell the stars each night
 Look at me, look at him
 Son of a [bad word]  I guess I'm doing something right
 I finally got something right

 No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way
 I play "Anita" at the matinee
 Then I'll get on my knees, and pray I can state in my next bio:
 "I'm never gonna go back to Ohio!"

 I could chew on tin foil for a spell
 I could get a root canal in [bad word]  But it wouldn't be as swell as this summer is gonna be!
 'Cause the torture is just exquisite, while I'm waiting for you to visit
 So hurry up, [bad word]  get unstuck and get on the scene

 Love,
 The midget, the stripper, Wayne the snake, and Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein
 That's me!