Old St. Nick's got bourbon breath
It's so cold you could catch your death
cop sold me some crystal meth
It's a Merry [bad word] Christmas

Everything's so Chrstmassy
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa's knee
It's a Merry [bad word] Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings em
Unless their Jewish or Muslim or some other gyp religon

Crappy toys flying off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in [bad word] 
It's a Merry [bad word] Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
to dream what Santa brings em
Unless their Jewish or Muslim or some other gyp religion

Cracklin fires to keep me warm
and my collection of Asian port
Cradle my bells and work my horns
It's a keep on [bad word] 
Last year sucking
Midget chucking
Slap the puck in
How much wood could a woodchuck chucken
Merry [bad word] Christmas

Ho, ho, ho ? Shut up