I need a, I need a, I need a D.
I need a, I need a, I need a G.
My baby is a whiz at playing Scrabble; [bad word] to where he is, I merely dabble.
Oh how I wanna defeat him now.
Whip his Mensa [bad word] somehow!
Might seem like pie-in-the-sky,
But Iʼm gonna try.
I got a, I got a, I got a Q,
Could use a, could use a, could use a U.
He knows the full array of U-less Q words;
Every time we play I pick up new words.
Really, I feel a, I feel a fool.
Big shot went to a Connecticut prep school!
Lord knows Iʼll tell the town
When I bring him down.
Though his body isnʼt awfully sturdy,
And his manner is incredibly nerdy,
Conversation often overly wordy,
Heʼs a heck of a brain.
Monday night we played our landlady Dushka
While we listened to the score of Petrouchka;
Dushka put a double O in “babushka.”
You could see his pain.
It was just a joke that sank like lead.
Sheʼs been known to mess with his head.
I gotta, I gotta, I gotta think.
Iʼd love a, Iʼd love a, Iʼd love a drink.
My baby has the game of Scrabble mastered.
His mastery the same when heʼs half- plastered.
 [bad word] it! How can I be such a dunce?
I long to clobber Einstein just once.
Iʼll find a joy divine
When that win is mine.
Playing Scrabble,
Seven letters, not one more,
Playing Scrabble,
When you pass 500, thatʼs a score.These tiles are looking pretty good! Oh yeah. Now weʼre talkinʼ!
Iʼm in it, Iʼm in it, Iʼm in the zone.
Remembering some words I have never known.
Tonight I have a certain way of playing Scrabble;
No longer will I say I merely dabble.
Winning the battle with every square,
Hardly notice Hotshotʼs over there.
My world is not the same.
What a glorious game!
Happy day!
Got a major play.
I doing it? Yes I am,
Iʼm spelling out “OXAZEPAM.”
Thatʼs a tranquilizer—
392 points!