I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus? 

 JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back. 

 I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back? 

 JC: Mostly nostalgia. 

 I: Well, could you tell us, Jesus, a little about the first time you were here? 

 JC: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas. 

 I: Yes. 

 JC: And, uh, actually, that always bothered me, because, uh, that way, I only got one present. Y'know, if I was born a couple months earlier, I woulda had two presents. But look, I'm [bad word] ; it's only material. 

 I: Were you really born in a stable? 

 JC: Nahhh. I was born in a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That's how the story got started. 

 I: And is it [bad word] that there was no room at the inn? 

 JC: Oh, no. They had room, it's just that we didn't have reservations. My father, Joseph- God bless him. He was a simple man. He didn't travel much. He forgot to make reservations. 

 I: There's a story that there were three wise men. 

 JC: Well, there were three kings who showed up. Uh, I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me. 

 I: Didn't they bring gifts? 

 JC: Yes. Gold, frankincense and I believe myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You wouldn't happen to know what myrrh is for, do you? 

 I: Well, I believe it's a reddish, brown bitter gum resin. 

 JC: Oh, great! Great! Just what I need; a gum resin! What am I going to do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money. That way, I could go out and buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself. 

 I: What would that be? 

 JC: Oh, I don't know...a bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. You realize all the walkin' I did? I musta crossed Canaan six, eight times; up and down, north and south. Walkin' and talkin'. Doin' miracles, tellin' stories. 

 I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform? 

 JC: total of 107 miracles...not countin' the loaves and the fishes. 

 I: Why don't you count the loaves and the fishes? 

 JC: Well, technically, that one wasn't a miracle. 

 I: It wasn't?! 

 JC: No, turns out a lotta people were puttin' 'em back. Didn't like 'em. Actually not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway. 

 I: (surprised) Wh, what do you mean? What were they if they weren't miracles?! 

 JC: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, we had hallucinations, even acupressure. That was how I cured most of the blind guys- acupressure. 

 I: So, not all of the New Testament is [bad word]  

 JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lotta [bad word]  See, Luke was a physician and he had access to [bad word]  Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything. 

 I: What about raising [bad word] from the dead? 

 JC: First of all, he wasn't dead. He was hung over. I told people that. 

 I: But in the Bible, you said he was dead. 

 JC: Uh, uh. I said he looked dead. I said, "Hey! He looks dead!" You see, [bad word] was a very heavy sleeper. Plus, the day before, we had been to a wedding feast and he had put away a lotta wine. 

 I: Ah, was that the Wedding Feast of Cana where you changed the water into wine? 

 JC: Uh, I don't know. I, uh, we went to an awful lotta wedding feasts in those days. 

 I: But did you really ever turn water into wine?