It was late at night on Christmas eve
I was dreaming of the soft white snow
I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
What it was I did not know

It was Santa Clause he was bringing me some gifts
Unfortunately I did not know that
So I quietly snuck up behind him
And I shot him five times in the back

It went Pow pow pow pow pow
He said "what the [bad word] ow ow ow"
Then I shot him three more times in the head
Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead

That's when I noticed his blood-soaked beard
And his red suit filled with bullet holes
I said "oh my god I killed santa clause
I'm not going to jail for this [bad word] quot;

So I went to my shed and I got my saw
And I started to choppipty chop chop
I started with his arms then his legs then his head
And then the torso was a really long job

And the blood went spurt spurt spurt
It was really hard work work work
It was hard cutting through his spine
I must have vomited sixteen times

I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace
The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose
Eleven hours later there was nothing left
And that's when I heard my telephone

It was Auntie Jean looking for Uncle Bob
She said "He left the house dressed as Santa Clause
But he [bad word] home last night
Have you seen him god I hope he's alright"