TRACY
Well, I brought my own '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!

LOU ANN 
Haven't you already shown us enough? 

{The Council Girls snicker.) 

VELMA 
Oh my god 
How times have changed 
This girl's either blind 
 [bad word] deranged 
Ah, but time seemed to halt 
When i was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Childhood dreams 
For me were cracked 
When that [bad word] shirley temple 
Stole my frickin' act 
But the crown's in the vault 
From when i won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Those [bad word] ups 
Might still hold some [bad word] 
They padded their 'cups' 
But i screwed the judges 
Those broads thought they'd win 
If a plate they would spin in their dance 
Not a chance!

Cause i hit the stage 
Batons ablaze 
While belting high 'c's 
And preparing souffles! 
But that triple somersault 
Was how i clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

VELMA 
Proceed... 

TAMMY 
Are you scared we're on live? 

TRACY 
No, I'm sure i can cope! 

AMBER 
Well, this show isn't broadcast 
in... 

COUNCIL GIRLS 
...Cinemascope! 

VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt 
No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

SHELLEY
How many sweaters do you own?

TRACY
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty 
Let's see, I have three...five?... 
Wait, I have twenty!!

VELMA
I would say 'oy gevalt' 
If i wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

tycoon i wed
So cuddly and funny
The old [bad word] dropped dead
But left tons of money
So i bought this station

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS 
So all of the nation 
Could see 

VELMA 
Baby amber and me! 

AMBER 
Do you dance like you dress? 

LINK 
Amber, there's no need to be [bad word] #33; 

VELMA 
Would you swim in an integrated pool? 

(The Council Members gasp.J 

TRACY 
I sure would. I'm all for 
integration, it's The New 
Frontier! 

VELMA 
Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may i be frank? 

First impressions can be tough 
And when i saw you, i knew it 
If your size weren't enough 
Your last answer just blew it! 

And so, my dear, so short and stout 
You'll never be "in" 

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS 
So we're kicking you out! 

VELMA 
You can't get past me kid 
But it isn't your fault 

VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS 
It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore... 

VELMA 
...Crabs!" 

You may go. 

TRACY 
Um... thank you? 

PENNY 
Gee Tracy, that went well! 

(Li'l [bad word] on.) 

LI'L INEZ 
Hello Ma'am, may I please 
audition? 

VELMA 
No, but you can bow and exalt! 
'Cause i was "Miss Baltimore... 

VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS 
...Crabs"! 
Crabs, Crabs!!!