Mikado: 
 more humane Mikado never 
 Did in Japan exist, 
 To nobody second, 
 I'm certainly reckoned 
 [bad word] philanthropist. 
 It is my very humane endeavour 
 To make, to some extent, 
 Each evil liver 
 [bad word] river 
 Of harmless merriment. 

 My object all sublime 
 I shall achieve in time — 
 To let the punishment fit the crime — 
 The punishment fit the crime; 
 And make each prisoner pent 
 Unwillingly represent 
 source of innocent merriment! 
 Of innocent merriment! 

 All prosy dull society sinners, 
 Who chatter and bleat and bore, 
 Are sent to hear sermons 
 From mystical Germans 
 Who preach from ten till four. 
 The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies 
 All desire to shirk, 
 Shall, during off-hours, 
 Exhibit his powers 
 To Madame Tussaud's waxwork. 

 The lady who dyes a chemical yellow 
 Or stains her grey hair puce, 
 Or pinches her figure, 
 Is painted with vigour 
 And permanent walnut juice. 
 The idiot who, in railway carriages, 
 Scribbles on window-panes, 
 We only suffer 
 To ride on a buffer 
 In Parliamentary trains. 

 My object all sublime 
 I shall achieve in time — 
 To let the punishment fit the crime — 
 The punishment fit the crime; 
 And make each prisoner pent 
 Unwillingly represent 
 source of innocent merriment! 
 Of innocent merriment! 

 [bad word]  
 His object all sublime 
 He will achieve in time — 
 To let the punishment fit the crime — 
 The punishment fit the crime; 
 And make each prisoner pent 
 Unwillingly represent 
 source of innocent merriment! 
 Of innocent merriment! 

 Mikado: 
 The advertising quack who wearies 
 With tales of countless cures, 
 His teeth, I've enacted, 
 Shall all be extracted 
 By terrified amateurs. 
 The music-hall singer attends a series 
 Of masses and fugues and "ops" 
 By Bach, interwoven 
 With Spohr and Beethoven, 
 At classical Monday Pops. 

 The billiard sharp who any one catches, 
 His doom's extremely hard — 
 He's made to dwell — 
 In a dungeon cell 
 On a spot that's always barred. 
 And there he plays extravagant matches 
 In fitless finger-stalls 
 On a cloth [bad word] 
 With a twisted cue 
 And elliptical billiard balls! 

 My object all sublime 
 I shall achieve in time — 
 To let the punishment fit the crime — 
 The punishment fit the crime; 
 And make each prisoner pent 
 Unwillingly represent 
 source of innocent merriment! 
 Of innocent merriment! 

 [bad word]  
 His object all sublime 
 He will achieve in time — 
 To let the punishment fit the crime — 
 The punishment fit the crime; 
 And make each prisoner pent 
 Unwillingly represent 
 source of innocent merriment! 
 Of innocent merriment!