Hes a serious mister

Shake his hand and [bad word] twist your arm

With monopoly money

Well be buying the funny farm

So Ill do flips,

And get paid in chips

From a diamond as big as the ritz--

Then Im calling it quits

Eyes the color of candy

Lies to cover the handicap

Though your slippers [bad word] 
Youll be led to the booby trap

And theres no prize,

Just a smaller size

So Im wearing the shoe til it fits--

Then Im calling it quits

Now hes numbering himself among the masterminds

Cause hes hit upon the leverage of valentines

Lifting dialogue from judy garland storylines

Where get-tough girls turn into goldmines

But oh, those polaroid babies

Taking chances with rabies

Happy to tear me to bits--

Well, Im calling it quits

Yes, Im calling it quits.