He had what you might call a trivial occupation
He cleaned the platforms of the local railway station 
With no romance in his life - sometimes he wished he had a wife 

He read the matrimonial advertising pages 
The cries for help from different people, different ages 
But they had nothing to say, at least not until the day, 
When something special he read, this is what it said 

If you dream, of the girl for you, then call us and get 
Two for the price of one 
We're the answer, if you feel blue, so call us and get 
Two for the price of one 

He called the number and a voice said "Alice Whiting" 
The voice was husky and it sounded quite exciting 
He was amazed at his luck, the purest streak of gold he'd [bad word] 
He said, I read your ad, it sounded rather thrilling 
I think a meeting could be mutually fulfilling 
Why don't we meet for a chat, the three of us in my flat 
I can't forget what I read 
This is what it said 

If you dream, of the girl for you, then call us and get 
Two for the price of one 
We're the answer, if you feel blue, so call us and get 
Two for the price of one 

She said I'm sure we must be perfect for each other 
And if you doubt it you'll be certain when you meet my mother