Stack up donuts, pack up the pies,
Put on the trench coat, rack up the lies.
Overcast sky and the pines are swaying,
The bird gets the worm so I'm up in the a.m.

Gotta crack a case in a place called Peaks;
Where the lights all blink and your outlook's bleak.
Got a lotta caffeine; interrogating teens 'cause
The [bad word] queen just rolled up on the beach,

Wrapped in plastic, white as a sheet.
Gave a heart attack to a man name Pete
Who couldn't make coffee, he offered it kindly,
Tasted like fish can't put it behind me.

Back to the hood got a mug of [bad word] good;
They say something black is in the back woods.
Owls in disguise and the boys are in the book house,
Just like elm street - know you better look out.

Nothing in this world ever could prepare me;
Think later on I maybe need some therapy.
Talkin' to myself, my reflection scares me;
If I'm gonna die I'll have pie make it cherry
(Cherry, cherry, cherry, cherry)

(spoken)
That's right, [bad word]  word up!
 [bad word] This pie's so good it is a crime. (This pie's so good it is a crime.) x3
Excuse me while I break this rhyme. (Excuse me while I break this rhyme.)

Was it Audrey, oh so tawdry, freshly squeezed little tease?
Was it the baddie, Audrey's daddy, busy buying twin peaks?
Was it Leland, his attorney, always straightening his tie?
Was it Norma? She's a killer I'm still waitin' for pie.

Was it Jacoby? He's an oldie; used [bad word] with the gangs.
Was it Harold Smith, or was his crime that he's just lame?
Was it Donna, the elitist, packin' peaches for James?
Was it Bobby Briggs? I think it is; keep hearin' his name.

Was it Leo? He's a creepo and his ponytail is evil,
And he got a lot of screen time in the unpopular prequel.
This detective got diminished so they could finish with Kiefer,
But I saw Kristen Davis naked; she got fish in her beaver. (What?)
 [bad word] 
Name is Cooper, I'm in a stupor,
Lying flat in a stained wood room.
Usually strapped, but I just got capped
By a man in black or so you would assume.

dude like Lurch says on with the search,
Will you dare to dream like you did in Dune?
So I got three clues, and a gun shot wound
And a tick bite [bad word]  but whatcha gonna do?

The breeze in the trees will squeeze out your soul
Like that [bad word] was tartar control.
Murder she wrote; nobody wrote back.
Gotta bust a ghost; no proton pack.

(spoken)
That's right, I put a Ghostbusters reference in a song about Twin Peaks.
Everybody's happy.
 [bad word]