Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You see Valentine's is torture, and my birthday is a mess,
New Year's is a lot of noise, and Arbor Day's a pest!
Halloween's a horror but I guess I must confess
That I really don't hate Christmas!
You see Flag Day is infernal, April Fool's is just a bore,
Mardi Gras a waste, unless you own a candy store,
All these other holidays I can admit that I abhor,
But I really don't hate Christmas.

Now, it isn't that I like it, at the most I feel ambivalence,
But should I really just destroy it? I'll admit that I'm still on the fence,
It makes me tense!

From the evil [bad word] I'm sure to get ejected,
But for Christmas I can't seem to summon any [bad word] invective,
Because what is there to hate? I mean, it's really so subjective.
No, I really don't hate Christmas.

I hate puppy dogs and kittens, I hate flowers in the spring,
Heck, I even hate the sunshine and the birdies when they sing,
I can work up animosity for almost anything.
Tell me why I don't hate Christmas.

Though my childhood was atrocious, Christmas never was that bad, you see,
So the most that I can muster [bad word] and total apathy.
What's wrong with me?

How can I prove that I'm an evil villain worth his salt
When with a holiday so jolly I can't even find a fault?
If I didn't feel ambiguous I'd launch a big assault.
But I really don't hate Christmas.

Oh, what the heck. Kickline!

No, I really...
No, I really don't hate Christmas!

I have an intense BURNING indifference!