Alive and hardly breathing
Asleep but never dreaming
Poems for the broken but how selfish to be writing for myself, and not someone else.
But I'm [bad word] someone else, aren't I; [bad word] no one at all.
Watch me take the mark I made and erase it all.
Your eyes change when they lie, 
Those patterns never ceased to amaze me but never surprised me, And I got used to the dishonesty you used to try and hide till you used up all of the energy you set aside for it. And now you don't set anything aside for me.
I never understood you until I had no choice but to be you, a breaker, and a taker. And now I hate you more than ever but did you ever stop to think that maybe this was something you should have never been doing or was that thought blotted out by the heat of the sun on those bright summer days where you got lost in the haze and I sat alone in my room.
And sometimes, I try to convince myself that I don't need anyone in my life, that I'm okay with being alone, but when the chemicals in my brain decide to shift, I find myself here. Every time.
I tell myself I don't need anyone because whether or not I really do, there's no one there anyway. And so writing is that [bad word]  it's my heart, and it's my savior and I know you expect me to pull and pull and pull, and I do too. But I'm finally getting to the point where I'd rather suffer through it on my own than strangle some pity-inspired empathy or sympathy out of you.
The times I see this side of myself are fewer and farther between now but they will never fail to dig themselves up every once and a while. And that's fine, because it reminds me of how life is, and who I really am. Life isn't always this euphoric daydream that I so often try to make it.

So can you just be honest with me for once, and tell me you don't want me. Tell me you don't love me. Scream it in my face so that even if I ever force myself to forget it, my [bad word] will remember the damage they were dealt and remind me.
And I used to try so hard to put my hands to work and paint a picture of you so that I'll remember you after all of all this but your face always came out crooked and your nose was never the right shape and I know it's because I never saw you for who you really were. My thoughts of you are convoluted by these condescending attitudes and thought patterns that I can't control, but I'm not exactly doing anything to stop them, because I'd rather have a skewed image of you and convince myself that this is all a thing of the past [bad word] to terms with the realization that I'm not over this.
There's nothing like the sound of your own heartbeat, pounding day in and day out like a [bad word] leading an army to war. It's a sound I've heard so many times before and I hate you more than you could ever imagine, but I love you more than you could ever know.
See, love and hate have [bad word] the same to me anyway, two fires burning, scraping for something but never quite reaching it; two flames burning in opposite directions, but still one in the same.
And the storms will never hesitate to put those fires to rest.
Because when it rains it pours,
It's been the same storm for years now.
I'll keep singing the same song until I find someone to silence it.
part of me progresses while another stays and treads water. 
part of me progresses while another treads water.
But I know one day it will [bad word] together because it always does. 
You only have one chance live out your life so I'm not going to waste mine wasting away.
We're all dying, but that doesn't mean we can't live. Live while you can.
I can't bring myself to tell you this, so I hope this song doesn't fall on deaf ears tonight.
I hope when you find me, you'll find me full, because we can only drag our feet for so long, despite their callused state and eventually there will be no choice but to accept the [bad word] for what it really is.
I'm just hoping day by day that it never gets to that point.
You brought me in from the cold, but you left me here to rot.
But I still love you for what you did.
Breathe easy tonight, because we'll never know what tomorrow may bring.
Or if the night will bring tomorrow. 
So pick yourself up and press on, because there is no other choice.
There is no other choice tonight.