One Night in Kirkwall
Parody of “One Night in Bangkok”
Written and Performed by Codot
 [bad word] /waiting4codot [bad word] post/63759641951/one-night-in-kirkwall-a-parody-of-one-night-in

Varric
Kirkwall, former Slaver City
but the people don’t know that the city’s in pain.
The Worst of the Worst of all Thedas in a
town with everything but free mages.

Time flies, doesn’t seem a minute
Since Amaranthine had the Darkspawn in it.
Tides turn – everything will worsen,
but the Champion’s not some ordinary person.

In Orlais, or Ferelden, or Antiva or – or this place!

 [bad word] (Anders, Hawke, Zevran, and a wandering Orlesian Eunuch)
One Night in Kirkwall tears your world asunder,
The Hanged Man’s open, but the beer ain’t free,
You’ll find some trouble both above and under,
so get a blessing at the town’s Chantry,
I can feel a Templar sneaking up on me.

Varric
One town’s rather like an another,
When your head’s now holding a price tag brother.

 [bad word] 
Well the mages were in [bad word] position,
but no one had expected the Chantry Inquisition.

Varric
Well, to be fair, no one expects the Chantry Inquisition –

 [bad word] 
Blooming Rose so sweet, [bad word] in for love if you’re walking the High street.

Varric [bad word] now, you’re talking to a Tethras,
whose every story will leave you breathless.
I like my tales below the waistline, Serah.

 [bad word] 
One night in Kirkwall makes a hard mage Tranquil,
or gets you robbed blind by the Coterie.
Questing alone will only make you thankful,
for all those moments with [bad word] 
because you just [bad word] off all the Qunari.

Varric
Kirkwall’s gonna be a witness
to the ultimate test of Lyrium fitness.
And things don’t get much better
when the Lyrium turns a little redder.

Thank the Maker I’m only telling the story – unfolding it –

I don’t see you debating
the kind of story I’m illustrating.
I’d let you in, I would excite you,
But Bianca here does not invite you.

So you better go back to your Elves, your Mages, your Deep Roads…

 [bad word] 
One Night in Kirkwall tears your world asunder,
The Hanged Man’s open, but the beer ain’t free,
You’ll find some trouble both above and under,
since I follow Anders’ philosophy,
I still feel the Templars sneaking up on me.

One night in Kirkwall makes a hard mage Tranquil,
or gets you robbed blind by the Coterie.
Questing alone will only make you thankful,
for all those moments with [bad word] 
because you just [bad word] off all the Qunari.