Well I’m a sittin’ on the Enterprise
 Snackin’ on bourbon and replicated fries
 Starin’ at the stars, I take another sip
 Feels like my brain has abandoned ship

Spoke to a Vulcan just the other day
 Said he had transferred from the Botany Bay
 Said he liked it here cause we had plenty of beer 
 He was gettin’ [bad word] with some sort of bug in his ear 

Red alert! My glass has gone dry
 You better beam me up another shot of “No Kill I”
 And while you’re at it please send me a yeoman or two
 We’re gonna play a little game of Kobayashi [bad word] 
I can’t believe it’s been about five years
 That’s a lot of time and a lot of beer
 Boldly drank my way through outer space
 Bulge in my pants and a smile on my face

Captain said that I got no pride
 That I’d be a disgrace till the day I die
 Told me to quit my drinkin’, be a part of the crew 
 So I beamed him into space and grabbed another brew 

And now I’m warpin’ here in my own ship
 With a crew that’s too [bad word] to give me lip
 Ain’t seen my Vulcan since yesterday
 Bet he’s still pukin’ down in the cargo bay 

Red alert! Pour me another shot
 I wrote it into the script, I made it part of the plot
 In fact, just go ahead and make it a cup
 If I gotta beam down you better Jim Beam me up