If you want to spread the news
There are lots of ways to use
But the ordinary ways are much too slow.

There is just one thing to do
Here is my advice to you
Confidensh'ly it's the fastest way I know.

Don't telephone don't telegraph
Tell a woman and the news will get around.

Don't telephone don't telegraph
Tell a woman and she'll tell the whole darn town.

All my life I didn't think it was wrong
To take a drink
'Till one day my gal found out and I was sunk

Seems a woman spread the word
And the next things that I heard
They were sayin' I was in the gutter [bad word] 

Don't telephone don't telegraph
Tell a woman if you want to advertize

Don't telephone don't telegraph
Tell a woman and she'll build it up with lies.