Soundtrack: By Jeeves
Title: What Have You Got To Say, Jeeves?

BERTIE 
What have you got to say, Jeeves? 
What have you got to say? 

JEEVES 
Sir - 

BERTIE 
Your job's to protect me and to cushion me from shocks 
Not to let the poor young master end up crouching in a box 
Leave him posing as a coatstand there, the minute someone knocks 
No, somebody's got to pay, Jeeves 
Somebody's got to pay 

JEEVES 
If you would allow me, sir - 

BERTIE 
Threatened with a lynch mob and I lose my oldest friends 
I'm embroiled with random females bent on dire romantic ends 
Yours is frankly not a judgement, Jeeves, on which a chap depends 
It's bordering on risque, Jeeves 
Utterly declasse... 

JEEVES 
If I might - 

BERTIE 
Your job's to inspire me with encouragement and praise 
Not abandon me with Stiffy in some frightful leafy maze 
Not to make me change my name three times in just as many days 
Here  am I in an extreme position 
General Custer out of ammunition 
Didn't get here by my own volition 
As Tennyson once thundered 
Someone here has badly blundered 

JEEVES 
Sir - 

BERTIE 
It's chaos and disarray, Jeeves 
Misery and dismay 

JEEVES 
Perhaps if i could interr - 

BERTIE 
Calling this a shambles is to understate the case 
Look at all these banjo lovers, not a dry eye in the place 
I shall never have the nerve again to look them in the face 
So what have you got to say, Jeeves? 
What have you got to say? 

JEEVES 
I fear I must confess it, sir 
Despite my best endeavours to 
Ensure a fluid narrative 
Things haven't gone to plan 
Evens were overtaken, sir 
By unseen technicalities 
I really can assure you, though 
I've done the best I can 
 [bad word] the odd occasion, sir 
When facing up to destiny 
We'd do as well remembering 
man is but a man 
You have my firm assurances 
 [bad word] the grand denouement, sir 
Events will all resolve themselves 
In spite [bad word] what may 
I only can apologize 
For any inconvenience 
Injurious to your dignity 
That happens on the way 
I simply wish to emphasize 
I have your interests uppermost 
And that, sir, in conclusion, sir 
Is all I have to say