NICK:
God, I hate Shakespeare!
That’s right, I said it!

NIGEL:
No!

NICK:
I do! I hate Shakespeare!

NIGEL:
Why?

NICK:
I just don’t get it
How a mediocre actor from a measly little town
Is suddenly the brightest jewel in England’s royal crown
Oh God I hate Shakespeare
His plays are wordy but OH NO!
The “great” Shakespeare!
That little [bad word] 
He has no sense about the audience he makes them feel so dumb
The [bad word] doesn’t care that my poor [bad word] is getting numb

ENSEMBLE:
How can you say that?
How can you say that?

NICK:
It’s easy, I can say it cause it’s absolutely [bad word] #33;

ENSEMBLE:
Don’t be a [bad word]  the man is a genius!

NICK:
His genius is he’s fooling all of you!

NIGEL:
But he’s brilliant
What majesty flows from his pen
His poetry soars like a sweet violin
God’s own inspiration like lightning doth strike him
And he captures my soul!

NICK (speaking):
Jeez, you sound just like him!

NIGEL (speaking):
Really? Thanks…

NICK:
You should hate Shakespeare!

NIGEL:
Well no I don’t, I try to emulate Shakespeare!

NICK:
Well there’s your problem! You’re so blinded by “The Bard” who’s such a pompous little man

NIGEL:
Why is it a problem to admit that I’m a fan?

NICK:
Cause he’s a hack
With a knack
For stealing anything he can

ENSEMBLE:
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
The man really knows how to write a [bad word]  play!
You wish you could pen one
We wish we were in one

NICK:
I just wish that he would go away!

NIGEL (speaking):
Well that’s not gonna happen, 
because everybody I know says that he’s the greatest writer that England’s ever known!

NICK:
And that’s ANOTHER thing I hate about Shakespeare!
Is all the twits who bloviate about Shakespeare!
And how they prattle on about his great [bad word]  well la-di-da-di-dah!
And once they start their gushing there’s no stopping them
And then it’s “blah blah blah blah blah Shakespeare!”
And he walks in, it’s “dum da dum ta da Shakespeare!”
He’s holding court and they say “Will you’re such a genius and your writing is divine,
rose by any other name is such a clever line!”
And they’re all “ooh!” and he’s all “stop” and they’re all “yay” and I’m all “ugh”
And I’m REALLY getting sick of it!
And oh, oh, oh, oh, I HATE SHAKESPEARE!

ENSEMBLE:
I think by now we sort of know you hate Shakespeare!

NICK:
Shmakespeare!
The way he feigns humility when all he does is gloat
The way he wears that silly frilly collar ‘round his throat
The poster child for why no one should ever procreate
Let me make a shorter list so I can give it to you straight:
Every little thing about Shakespeare
Is what I hate!

ENSEMBLE (overlapping):
He hates! He hates! He clearly surely really [bad word] hates Shakespeare!

NIGEL (speaking): Don’t hate!