Abed: what if you were a Jehova's witness
that was merely pretending to be into Christmas
gathering clues and blending in
to take down the holidays from within?

Troy: you mean like a spy investigating
making it seem like i'm celebrating
when actually i'm infiltrating
Santa's operation?

 YOIP!

Troy: Going deep cover, past enemy lines
Making everybody think I'm on the Christmas side
Rocking warm sweaters, hanging big [bad word] lights
If the fat man can see me, yo it's gotta look bright
I'd watch all the T.V. specials that i never could
I'll even cry during the sad ones, like James Bond would
And when the big [bad word] it's time to set the bait
Cold milk, Hot cookies, decorative plate!
And [bad word] down the chimney it'll just be him and me
But he won't know we're enemies 'cause I play sincere 
Bring a trap like that, heart attack get on his lap and tell him 
He [bad word] back every year
'Cause I am Jehovahs' most secret witness
So I might have to dedicate my life to Christmas
And act just like I love it 'till the day I die. 

Abed: A-B-E-D, Connoisseur of Christmas
On the [bad word]  none of your business
Thoughts to fast [bad word] 
Just wanna do right, by my friends
If years were seasons, this December 
Would be the December of our December
More blueprints than Howard Hughes
But if there are blue prints, how do we choose?
We have to be happy to get to the end
We have to save Christmas to save our friends

Troy and Abed: We have to save Christmas to save our friends
We have to save Christmas to save our friends!