you're helpless, and hopeless
 you wanna help out the homeless
 but you've got problems
 you're selfish, and worthless
 and you have no [bad word] purpose
 you're a cancer-causing, cancer-having slob

 whoa-oh (x3)

 there are morals that conflict with orals
 that conflict with anals that believe in angels
 angels are hating on you
 if good is the absence of evil
 and evil is the absence of good
 there is an axis of evil
 rolling into this neighborhood

 with the sound of gunshots
 bang! pow!! pswchh!!!
 whoa-oh (x4)

 it was then that i found i am a vampire
 i have fangs [bad word] 15 inches long
 the sanguinary sweetness of stealing someone's blood
 feels so good i [bad word] to sing this song
 and at night when i retire to my coffin
 to sleep for a hundred years or more
 all you people that i know will have died long ago
 and your children will have died ten years before

 whoaaaaa-oh. oh. OHHHHH.