Jesus was a Jewish philosopher
Had a lot of nice ideas
About our existential fears
Much admired by his peers
Short and Jewish and quite political
Often hesitant and very analytical

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus!

Jesus was a great entertainer
Doing cool tricks all of the time
Turning water into wine
Making stormy weather fine
Even now his stunts confound us
Kinda did what Darren Brown does

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to magic Woody Allen Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Jesus!

Jesus died but then came back to life
So the Holy Bible said
Kinda like in Dawn of the Dead
Like a film by Simon Pegg
Try that these days, you’d be in trouble
Geeks would try to smack you with a shovel

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus!

Jesus ascended into Heaven
He was an incredible guy
You don’t often find fellas that fly
Disappear right into the sky
And only once did he use this ability
With great [bad word] great responsibility

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus’ mother gave birth to him
Without having  with a dude
No, she would never be [bad word] Never even be nude with a dude
Breeding without the opposite gender [bad word] known as parthenogenesis
Other animals that don’t need males
Include a lot of lizards and various snails

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Komodo Dragon Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus [bad word] with the deceased
Like Psychic Sally–
Jesus lives forever, which is pretty odd
But not as odd as his fetish for drinking blood
Jesus is in more than one place at a time
Like an electron or Schrödinger’s feline
Jesus pulled off that water walking miracle
He was as handy as an amphibious vehicle
Jesus had bare feet, long hair, and a beard
But I’m not saying it’s me
I’m not saying that I am Jesus
I’m not saying that I am Jesus
I am Jesus!

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus!
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Komodo Dragon
Telepathic Vampire Quantum Hovercraft *Me* Jesus!