Stewie: Now everybody gather ’round and listen if you would
When I tell you every person needs a way of feeling good
Every kitty needs a ball of string and every dog a stick

Stewie & Brian: But all you need is a bag of weed to really get a kick

All: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight
Bag of Weed, Bag of Weed
Oh, Everything is better with Bag of Weed
It’s the only hope that you’ll ever need
Cuz’ Everything is better with Bag of Weed

Stewie: Here you go, you’re all getting it now

Ensemble: When Texas people want to feel good,

Stewie: They go assault a [bad word] 

Ensemble: When stupid people need a thrill,

Stewie: They rent The Rocketeer.

Ensemble: When Michael Jackson needs [bad word] 

Stewie: He humps a guy like me.

Ensemble: Right!

All: But all we need is a bag of weed,
To keep us worry free.
One, Two, Three, HO!
Bag of Weed, Bag of Weed
Oh, everything is better with Bag of Weed
Oh, you don’t need meth and you don’t need speed
Cuz’ Everything is better with Bag of Weed

Stewie: Have a go, Brian!

Brian: As Mr. H.L. Mencken said, [bad word] man’s a fool.”

Stewie: And just like Helen Keller said, “Doof stoo gee nay foo tool.”

Brian: But try and use your heads and don’t buy into all the fear.

All: HEY!
‘Cuz all we need is a bag of weed
To make us wanna cheer!
And One, Two!
Bag of Weed, Bag of Weed
Oh, everything is better with Bag of Weed
You can try and fight but we’re all agreed
Because everything is better with Bag of Weed

(break)

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight,
And One, Two, Three, Four, And Five, And Six, And Seven! HO!!
Bag of Weed, Bag of Weed
Oh, everything is better with Bag of Weed
You’re a happy guy but you can’t proceed
Because everything is better with Bag…
Of…
Weed!
Oh ev’rything is better with a bag of weed!!