Gary:
Right now you are down and out
And feelin' really crappy.

Nicky:
I'll say...

Gary:
And when I see how sad you are,
It sorta makes me... happy!

Nicky:
Happy?!

Gary:
Sorry, Nicky,
Human nature 
Nothing I can do.
It's Schadenfreude,
Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

Nicky:
That's not very nice, Gary!

Gary:
I didn't say it was nice, 
But everybody does it!
D'ya ever clap when a waitress falls
And drops a tray of glasses?

Nicky:
Yeah...

Gary:
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters 
Fallin' on their asses?

Nicky:
Sure!

Gary:
Don't you feel all warm and cozy,
Watching people out in the rain? 

Nicky:
You bet!

Gary:
That's 

Both:
Schadenfreude. 

Gary:
People taking pleasure in your pain.

Nicky:
Hm-m... Schadenfreude, huh? Wh-what's that? Some kind of [bad word] word?

Gary:
Yup. It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others".

Nicky:
"Happiness at the misfortune of others"...
That is German! 
Watching a vegetarian 
Being told she just ate chicken.

Gary:
Or watching a frat boy
Realize just what he put his [bad word] in.

Nicky:
Being on an elevator when somebody 
Shouts "Hold the door!"

Gary:
Oh yeah!

Both:
No! 
Schadenfreude!

Gary: [bad word] you lady!
That's what stairs are for!

Nicky:
Ooh - how about: 
Straight students getting Bs?

Gary:
Exes getting STDs!

Nicky:
Waking doormen from their naps!

Gary:
Watching tourists reading maps!

Nicky:
Football players getting tackled!

Gary:
CEOs getting shackled!

Nicky:
Watching actors never reach...

Both:
...the ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

Gary:
The world needs people like you and me, 
Who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
They don't want to be us, 
And that makes them feel great.

Nicky:
Sure!
We provide a vital service to society.

Both:
You and me!
Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place to be!

Gary:
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!