Tom [bad word] is so in love with Katie
At least all his people tell him so
And while he thinks that she's a very special lady
It's probably not the way he'd choose to go

But a lifetime of longing looks would cause too much distraction
Good thing that he's not [bad word] anymore

Tom [bad word] is Tom [bad word] crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you
If you had Tom [bad word] s troubles
You might be Tom [bad word] crazy, too
You'd flash your big white shiny smile
And buy expensive shoes
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom [bad word]  oh no
You couldn't enjoy Tom [bad word] 
Tom [bad word] is always getting older
He knows he'll never be that young again
And when Tom [bad word] looks back over his shoulder
He sees a thousand younger leading men

He knows someday he'll have to play
An old, retarded grandpa
While someone younger plays his y son

Tom [bad word] is Tom [bad word] crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you
If you had Tom [bad word] s troubles
You might be Tom [bad word] crazy, too
You'd flash your big white shiny smile
And buy expensive shoes
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom [bad word]  oh no
You couldn't enjoy Tom [bad word] 
Tom [bad word] hopes somewhere there's a place for him
Because he's not of this world anymore

Somewhere in some secluded castle
Poor Tom [bad word] sits staring at the wall
And the outside world is always such a hassle
Sometimes he won't go out at all

There are millions who know his name
Everybody loves him
Why is it that he feels so alone?

Tom [bad word] is Tom [bad word] crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you
If you had Tom [bad word] s troubles
You might be Tom [bad word] crazy, too
You'd flash your big white shiny smile
And buy expensive shoes
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom [bad word]  oh no
You couldn't enjoy Tom [bad word]