[Intro [bad word] voice]
Thank you [bad word] 
You are here because you want to laugh and you want to forget about your problems
But I cannot allow it
You should not laugh
You should not forget about your problems
The world is not funny
We are all dying
The world is not funny
12% of the world's population does not have access to clean drinking water
The world is not funny
Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants
The world is not funny
So then
Now that we understand the context, now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is...
Let's do this

[Intro 2: Bo Burnham]
Entertainers are not here to help you
They are here to control you
Never listen to them
Never give them what they want
And most importantly, never...
...MAKE SOME [bad word] NOISE!
[Verse 1: Bo Burnham (audience)]
Ladies!
Ladies, if you feel me, say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
Fellas! [bad word] on, fellas, if you feel me, say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
Virgins!
If you haven't felt a person, say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
If you can divide by zero, let me hear you say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
No you can't! Mathematically impossible
Listen, don't be Pavlovian. I'm looking for actual answers here, trying to gather information...

Let's go!
If you like drinking booze, let me hear you say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
If you like smoking weed, let me hear you say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
Gotcha. Get these [bad word] #33; Pot [bad word] America!...
Psych

If you don't give a [bad word] about the law, let me hear you say [bad word] the police!
 [bad word] the police!)
If that seems oversimplified to you, let me hear you say it's a really tough job and they're doing their best!
(...)
If you know nothing about the conflict between Israel and Palestine, and thus feel super [bad word] about weighing in on it if you've read about it, let me hear you [bad word] #33;
 [bad word] #33;)
Good call. I have no idea what's going on over there. What are they fighting about? They have similar hats

If you wanna start the show, let me hear you say [bad word] yeah!
 [bad word] yeah!)
If my name's Bo...whoops
I think you're done with this call-and-response [bad word] 
That's what I thought
You want me to get introspective?
Let's get introspective!

[Verse 2: Bo Burnham]
I can't wrap my mind around exactly why I'm here
I know you paid money, I should be funny
Other than that, I don't know why I'm here
To make you laugh, right? That's only half right
Look at the world, I don't know why I'm here
All this laughter can't feed starving Africans
I just hope I don't get more from this than you do

I would love to tell you that everything is fine
You wanna be happy, well, get in line

Yeah, this is almost musically incoherent at this point
But y'all ain't seen [bad word] show like this in your [bad word] life
And for good reason
It gets old after a few minutes
You'll see!

Let's get this show going!
Let's get this show started!
Okay!
One, two, three, four--
--so I was at the dentist the other day...