[Slug]
If I was a rich man
I'd buy you some shoes
Tall boots for all the dirt you walk through
What would that do?
Enable you to deal
Without schooling you on how to touch what's real
And if I was a smart man
I'd tell you everything that I knew
And give it to you every time you need a talking to
But what would that do?
Teach you my guidelines
So you can be a cheerleader at your game on the sidelines
And if I was a driver
I'd keep my headlights on
To see the difference between right and wrong
I'd wear my seatbelt even when I'm in park
Cause I don't [bad word] the other fools that [bad word] through these parts
And if I was a better cook
I'd hook up a feast
Set a table full of food for the children to eat
I encourage the nourishment so we can breathe
With the knowledge that we got something [bad word]  [bad word] ]
And if I was Santa Claus, I'd fight for the cause
Wouldn't expect nothing in return
I'd give you everything you want, I'd be everything you need
So you can take my hand and I can take the lead

And if I was an honest man
I would stop writing songs
I'd break for a nervous breakdown for breakfast
Tell everyone I knew to stay away from making music
It ain't nothing but a confusing mess (confusing mess)
And if I was you, I wouldn't hear a word I said
Wouldn't [bad word] nothing to start it up inside my head
I'd make a conscious effort to live instead
Of trying to kill the monsters that reside underneath the bed
And if I was a hurt man
I'd find a way to put my faith 
Into a woman that could take me from today
Maybe
I need somebody that could save me
From the parts of myself that keep making me crazy
And if I was a wise man
I'd climb to the top of the mountain peak
To think about strength versus weakness
I'd find a point that rests a couple of feet above your head
And figure out how I could try to help you reach it
(Ho ho ho)
And if I did have a choice
I'd never want to live forever
Just let me have a voice so I can make my points
I can't [bad word] a race with no finish line
Just let me keep my pace and make to most of my time
I love giving but I'm bad at receiving
The [bad word] is, I'd prefer to be the one bleeding
But I'm a paranoid that stays between play and work
Cautious and aware, 'cause I'm afraid of being hurt
Which brings me to the issue
And that would be this:
How often must I ask myself why I exist?
I feel like a freak, this world is a circus
Just trying to find myself as well as my purpose
 [bad word] ]
And if I was Santa Claus, I'd fight for the cause
Wouldn't expect nothing in return
I'd give you everything you want, I'd be everything you need
And you can take my hand and I can take the lead [2x]

I got nothing but gifts
Keep it up in my wits
Got me [bad word] on the fifth
And now we're stuck in a ditch
And as dumb as it gets [bad word] you some fibs (?)
I wanna touch your lips
I [bad word] your hips
Put a glove on the fist
For the love that exists
We'll keep bumping the hits
To get my bucket of chips
From the Bloods and the Crips
To the skateboarding chicks
Put the Atmosphere on your Christmas wishlist [2x]
(Ho ho ho ho)