Rip Van Winkle: Ze following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, und licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und ze Funimation. Please support ze official release.
[In the background The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go plays. Scene changes to a London corner pub]
British Dude: [bad word] on, love. Show us ye [bad word] 
[The woman slaps him in the face]
British Dude: Oh, she declined. Now, let's get [bad word] 
British Dude 2: Hey mate. What's the last thing ye ever thought ye'd ever see in the night sky?
British Dude: Oh uh, that's a deep question, man, I--
British Dude 2: Oh, no, cause it's blimps.
[The camera pans up to the [bad word] zeppelins flying over London, playing Herms Niel's Das Engellandlied over loudspeakers]
The Major: Gentlemen... Ve have made it! [Platoon of [bad word] on the zeppelin applause loudly]ALright. Achtung! Achtung!
Hans: Whoo whoo!
The Major: Hans! Hans! Bring it down a notch.
Hans: [With quiet voice] Whoooh...
The Major: Now. Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot. Please lead us off.
[In the background, Das Engellandlied written by Hermann Lons starts playing]
The Doktor: Of course. Everyone, thank you [bad word] to the mandatory pre-var seminar. Please open your "World War III" pamphlets to page three, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicolas Cage.
The Major: Ve have an exciting itinerary of the evening's events. Tonight... ve annihilate London!
Random [bad word]  Umm,ALl of London?
The Major:ALl of London. Buckingham Palace - laid to vaste. Big Ben - toppled to zhe ground.
Random [bad word]  Zhe house of parliament?
The Major: Eradicated.
Random [bad word] 2: Zhe Tower of London?
The Major: Obliterated!
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.
Hans: What about London Bridge?
The Major: Ja, ja. London Bridge is falling down. VeALl know zhe song. Look, you be zhe first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it; I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, zhe [bad word] tonight has been selected via survey. Und I hope you're as excited as I am! Zhe song tonight is zhe most appropriate for ironic reasons; Zhe best reasons! But first - a toast. To zhe answer of an age-old question!
[Scene switches to a missile hitting Big Ben and beginning of an assault on London. In the background Edwin Starr's War plays]
The Doktor: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?
The Major: Yes. "Because it means the [bad word] of innocent lives." [Major uses lyrics from the song playing in the background] "Induction then [bad word] #33; Who wants to die!?"
[Music fading. Camera shows the high ground view at the London streets ablaze in shape of a swastika, then switches to the building of Round Table Conference]
Sir Penwood: What do you mean he's stuck on the boat?
SIH: I mean he's stuck on a bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.
Sir Penwood: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?
SIH: What? N-no, he can't fly with his vampire powers!
Sir Penwood: Then how did he get there?!
SIH: On a Blackbird we appropriated!
Sir Penwood: You stole the Blackbird?!
SIH: WOULD YOU JUST SEND HELICOPTER?!
Sir Penwood: We can't; [bad word] are down.
SIH: What?
Sir Penwood: They... have been for the last two hours.
SIH: So you're telling me that, as of this moment, we have no access to [bad word] with our forces in the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be knocking at our door?
[The doors to the chamber and smashed open and a group of men storm the room]
Reggie: Or, perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!
SIH: Oh, Reggie. This is adorable.
Reggie: SIR... Reginald is my name! I have spent the last five years of my life cleaning up after your pet vampire! And now, is the time Sir Reginald was payed what he deserves!
SIH: [Chuckles] You know, I get it now.
Reggie: Get what?
SIH: [laughs] How AL feels! Just a little bit anyway.
Reggie: [bad word] 
SIH: But I must say Sir Reginald it is quite impressive that, despite how hilariously amateur this little coup of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.
[Reggie's [bad word] off]
Reggie: RRRRRaaaaaaaaghhh!
Walter: Who wants Daddy's belt?
[Reggie's henchmen start shouting and shooting desperately, then get cut apart and fall down in fountains of blood. One blob lands upon Penwood's cheek]
Sir Penwood: Ung?
Walter: Now think about what you've done.
[Everyone muttering]
SIH: So, Sir Penwood - are youALl right?
Sir Penwood: Well, Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... currently... processing that.
[Some silence, the machinery starts bleeping, sweeping and creeping]
 [bad word] are back up-- everything is on fire!
Another Radio-telegraphist: London Bridge is falling down!
Sir Penwood: Falling down?
Another Radio-telegraphist: Falling down!
Sir Penwood: London Bridge is falling down! My fair lady, what should we do?
SIH: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Penwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you - carpool.
Sir Penwood: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position - it's not suited for a meek gentleman like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tucked my tail in-between my legs at the first sight of peril! I thank you for your service, miss Integra, but I--
SIH: [Hands Penwood a gun] Here's a gun. There are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself.
[Integra and Walter walk off]
SIH: Walter.
Walter: Yes, SIH?
SIH: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.
[Bird's eye view of burning London, shots fired, bombs exploding]
Ze Major: Ah yes! Buckingham Palace is burning... und so are my loins!
Zorin: Ahem!
Ze Major: Ah First Lieutenant former Olympic bodybuilder Zorin Blitz. Sorry, I vas understandably caught up in ze moment.
Zorin: You finally have orders for me Major?
Ze Major: Ah indeed, my dear Zorin. You have a very specific target.
Zorin: Where shall my scythe be pointed?
Ze Major: Ze Hellsing Organisation Headquarters.
Zorin: Yes!
Ze Major: Und you...
Zorin: Yes!
Ze Major: ...shall provide reconnaissance
[Zorin drops a cigarette whilst her lips open in an expression of incredulity and dismay]
Zorin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ze Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin, I need you to bring it back for me, take a deep breath.
Zorin: [Hyperventilates]
Ze Major: Contain... Ze calamity... That is your mammaries.
Zorin: [bad word] furiously]
Ze Major: There is no-vone more eager to see them bleed than I, but ve must be careful. SIH Fairbrook Vingates Hellsing - any voman [bad word] the respect of a beast such as AL is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay - most certainly. But not trifled with.
Zorin: But she is just vone voman!
Ze Major: Und a girl. PG. Ze only living vampire sired by AL himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature, ze big [bad word]  Maybe, who knows. But I do not gamble vis maybes. You vill act as ze vanguard and survey their forces, are ve clear?
Zorin: [unenthusiastically] Transparently.
Ze Major: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich- [over the radio] Sergeant Klaus - have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
Klaus: Ja Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
Ze Major: Is it on fire?
Klaus: It could be more on fire.
[Walter and SIH drive down a street. Integra surveys the butchered corpses outside]
SIH: Ugh... UGH!
Sir Penwood (over radio): Attention... anyone listening... I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly. [Walter adjusts the radio's tuning until Sir [bad word] across clearer] It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Penwood, Vice-Admiral of the British Security Council.
[Sir Penwood sits in the blood-soaked remains of the Security Council room, speaking into the radio's microphone]
Sir Penwood: I know things seem bleak to those who are stillALive, but stay on. We are still fighting; each and everyone one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old barbarism!
[Council Room door gets blasted open, and Millennium soldiers storm in]
Lt. Schäfer: [laughs] How valiant of you Sir Penwood, defending your post down to ze last man.
Sir Penwood: Ah, but that's where I must rebuke you, because where you see one man, I see four...
Lt. Schäfer: "See four?" Ack! [looks around and sees dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room] Ahhhhhhh...
Sir Penwood: When you get to [bad word]  tell em' Penwood sent you, and then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience. [Blows up the C4]
[Radio gets cut off, SIH sits silently in the back]
SIH: Walter?
Walter: Yes Ma'am?
SIH: Sir Penwood was a... [gets cut off by a collision with a ghoul] SON OF [bad word] #33;
Walter: SIH, we have a problem.
SIH: Oh my God, the road is on fire.
Walter: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.
[The Captain appears]
Walter: If you will excuse me, I have to m