Mary Long is a hypocrite
She does all the things that she tells us not to do
Selling filth from a corner shop
And knitting patterns to the high street queue
She paints roses, even makes them smell good
And then she draws [bad word] on the khazy wall
Drowns kittens just to get a thrill
And writes sermons in the Sunday Chronicle

How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?

Mary told Johnny not to write such trash
Said it was a waste of public money
She made a fuss, they made apologies
But everybody thought the show was funny
When the nation knew you'd had children
It came as such a surprise
We really didn't know you'd had it in you
How you did it we can only surmise

How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?

Mary Long, you're not alone
But you're a long way behind our times
What we do in full frontal view
Is more honest than your clean-up mind
What I'm saying, Mary Long is
When you can spare a minute
Go find your friend the porny Lord
Dig your self a hole and jump in it

How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?