I know what you're all wondering,
have Tripod ever been to Japan?
You're ignoring a much bigger question,
why don't the Japanese have a space program?

Why aren't there any Japanese astronauts?
Have you ever seen a Japanese astronaut?
I'll tell you why you haven't seen one,
I'll tell you why.

Because you can't do...
Japanese tea ceremony when you're an astronaut.
It's those [bad word] fat gloves (Fat gloves)

And you can't do... (You can't do...)
Japanese tea ceremony when you're in zero grav.
'Cause the tea goes everywhere (The tea goes everywhere)

Japanese culture has always fascinated me,
From their traditions to their modern way of life.
But all their elegance and rich history,
doesn't sit well with my interest in space.

Because you can't carry out...
a ninja-style assassination dressed as an astronaut,
It's the luminous fabric (You're too visible)

And they don't let you... (Oo-ooo)
Use a samurai sword when your an astronaut.
You might puncture the suit.
You might depressurize, like a Gremlin in a microwave.

But it's those [bad word] fat gloves (Fat gloves...)
They're the main problem
You can't nurture your Tamagotchi (Fat gloves...)
You can't make an origami swan

And have you ever tried getting a used panty vending machine into a space shuttle?
Well, I've tried
They don't let you.
F------ NASA red tape.

I couldn't reconcile the two things that I loved,
So I threw away my dreams of outerspace.
I had to find myself a whole new job,
Maybe in the sports arena I would find a place.

But you can't do...
a Japanese tea ceremony when you're a boxing champ,
It's those [bad word] fat gloves again (Fat gloves again)

Those confounded coffee mints
go right in front of my face,
Every night and day
I'm haunted by fat gloves (Fat, fat...)

You can't drink sake,
You can't do bukkake,
Or ride a Kawasaki,
When you're an astronaut.

And they don't let you be an astronaut on Japanese telly,
'Cause you're not enough of a red herring.