If you sit in a pot of dirt with nothin' to say - 
 you're a cactus
 If you spend all day starin' at the sun - you're a 
 cactus
 If you don't wanna get close so you wear a coat of pins 
 - you're a cactus
 If you keep your world barren like a desert - you're a 
 cactus
 If you have no face and need more space - you're a 
 cactus
 If you like to hide in the sand - you're a cactus
 If you can't seem to get anything done - you're a 
 cactus
 If [bad word] of tumbleweed is unexpected fun - you're 
 a CACTUS!

 If you fit in perfectly in an empty room - you're a 
 cactus
 If you hurt anyone who bumps into you - you're a cactus
 If your social circle is you - you're a cactus
 If you're referred to as "what" instead of "who" - 
 you're a cactus
 If your skin is green and you have no spleen - you're a 
 cactus
 If simple creatures think of you as mean - you're a 
 cactus
 If life-sucking weeds won't even go near ya - you're a 
 cactus
 And if balloons fear ya - you're a CACTUS!

 If the world finds you abrasive - you're a cactus
 If you're unique with a plain physique - you're a 
 cactus
 If you're full of wine and have no spine - you're a 
 cactus
 If you resemble a sleeping porcupine - you're a cactus
 If no one wants to sit on your lap - you're a cactus
 If you are full of, or considered a sap - you're a 
 cactus...