Abe Lincoln:
Four score and 65 years in the past,

I won the Civil War with my beard! Now I'm here to whup your [bad word] 

I've read up on your facts. You cure cancer with your tears?

Well, tell me, Chuck. [bad word] you never sat down and cried on your career?

You're a washed-up has-been on TV selling Total Gyms,

And you're gonna lose this battle like you lost Return of the Dragon!

I'll rip your chest hairs out, put 'em in my mouth.

I'll squash you like I squashed the South!

I never told a lie, and I won't start now.

You're a horse with a limp; I will put you down!

Chuck Norris:
This isn't Gettysburg, punk. I'd suggest retreating,

For I invented rap music when my heart started beating.

Chuck Norris doesn't battle. He just allows you to lose.

My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth.

Abe Lincoln:
I've got my face on the side of a mountain. You voted for John McCain!

I've got a bucket full of my head, and I'm about to make it rain!

You block bullets with your beard? I catch 'em with my skull!

I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger, but I've never even seen that show!

Chuck Norris:
I am Chuck [bad word] Norris!

I've spread more blood and gore than 40 score of your puny Civil Wars, [bad word] 

I split the Union with a roundhouse kick!

I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my [bad word] 

I attack sharks when I smell them bleed!

I don't go swimming; water just wants to be around me!

My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster!

You may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master!