(Spoken)
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down
in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the [bad word] of our hearts, maybe below the [bad word]  maybe in the subcockle
area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
colon, we don't know.
(Sung)
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I'm an [bad word] (He's an [bad word]  what an [bad word] 
I'm an [bad word] (He's an [bad word]  such an [bad word] 
I use public toilets and [bad word] on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying How about this heat?
I'm an [bad word] (He's an [bad word]  what an [bad word] 
I'm an [bad word] (He's the world's biggest [bad word] 
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an [bad word] (He's an [bad word]  what an [bad word] 
I'm an [bad word] (He's a real [bad word] [bad word] 
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
NAAAAH!
I'm an [bad word] (he's an [bad word]  what an [bad word] 
I'm an [bad word] (he's the world's biggest [bad word] 
(Spoken)
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,
hot [bad word] -pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big
brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in
that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down
quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-
biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down
those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the
side, and there ain't a [bad word] thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear [bad word] 
weapons, [bad word]  Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy
they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of
Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of [bad word]  difference, because we got
the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for
cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty [bad word] off. You
know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million
times--that's how [bad word] off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and
John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of [bad word]  whisky and drive...
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an [bad word] )
Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the [bad word] .. all the time it was him... what an [bad word] 
(Sung)
I'm an [bad word] (I'm an [bad word]  he's an [bad word] 
I'm an [bad word] (He's the world's biggest [bad word] 
S-S H-O L-Everybody, S-S H-O L-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo
(Spoken)
I'm an [bad word] and I'm proud of it!
(Chris mouths: [bad word]