Tobias:
Ladies and gentlemen! 
May I have your attention, perlease? 
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there? 
Well, ladies and gentlemen, 
From now on you can waken at ease.
You need never again have a worry or care, 
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare.
Gentlemen, you are about to see
Something wot rose from the dead—
On the top of my head! 
'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir, 
Th at's wot did the trick, sir, 
 [bad word]  sir, [bad word] 
Was it quick, sir? 
Did it in a tick, sir, 
Just like an elixir
Ought to do! 
How about a bottle, mister? 
Only costs a penny, guaranteed.
Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir? 
You can have my oath, sir, 
'Tis unique. [bad word] a minute—
Stimulatin', I'n' it? 
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week! 

Todd:
Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench? 

Mrs.Lovett:
Are we standing near an open trench? 

-Duet-
Todd:
(Mrs.Lovett:)
Must be standing near an open trench! 
(Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench? )

Tobias:
Buy Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir:
Anything wot's slick, sir, 
Soon sprouts curls.
Try Pirelli's! 
When they see how thick, sir, 
You can have your pick, sir, 
Of the girls!... 

-DUET AS FOLLOWS-

Tobias: Todd:
... Wanna buy a bottle, missus? What is this? 

-DUET AS FOLLOWS-

Todd: Mrs. Lovett:
Smells like [bad word]  What is this? 
Looks like [bad word] #33; Smells like [bad word] #33; 
This is [bad word]  [bad word] with ink! Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear.

Tobias:
Let Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Activate your roots, sir—

Todd:
Keep it off your boots, sir—
Eats right through.

Tobias:
Yes, get Pirelli's! 
Use a bottle of it! 
Ladies seem to love it—

Mrs. Lovett:
Flies do, too!