Let me smoke my pipe!

 Have mercy, Mr. Brown! I hope you don't mind!
 Well, won't you please let me smoke my pipe?
 You see? I'm lighting it now! 
 What are you going to do about it, sir?

 You, sir, are an absolute driveller!
 *coughs* Excuse me!

 I'm the Gentleman Rhymer named Mr. B!
 I like to smoke my pipe with a cup of tea.
 Lapsang Suchon and devilled kidneys!
 But why would anybody want to stop me?!

 man of taste, a man of finesse!
 But I must get something off my chest:
 I'll abide by the laws of your watering holes...
 ...but I won't stand in the rain with a pack of bloody proles!

 Puffing on their Marlboros or Mayfair Lights
 Or worse, those herbal trade-fair types!
 If I was in the club with a broadsheet
 Waiting for a [bad word] on my bored feet

 I would watch them from the window in their sportswear shoes
 But now I've got to go out and be bored there, too!
 So, Prime Minister, sir! This just won't do!
 Just listen to my plea to you, please...

 Let me smoke my pipe!

 (The pipe, the pipe! Let's pack the pipe!) [repeating]

 Let's pack the pipe!

 My pipe smells nice, check one!
 My pipe smells nice, check two!
 My pipe smells nice, check three!
 The smoke's all gone, but now the pub smells of wee!

 My pipe smells nice, check one!
 My pipe smells nice, check two!
 My pipe smells nice, check three!
 Won't [bad word] and smoke a pipe with me?
 [bad word] on and smoke it! [high-pitched]