Music by Jed Whedon
Lyrics by Joss Whedon and Jed Whedon
Performed by Nathan Fillion
Backing Vocals by Maurissa Tancharoen
Horn Arrangements by Maurissa Tancharoen

Hey ladies
Sit down, relax
I got a story to tell…

EVERY NIGHT I LIE AWAKE
WITH SORROW IN MY CHEST
I THINK OF NPH AND WONDER
IS HE GETTING REST?
DOES HE KNOW EACH SECOND
HE’S ONLY SECOND BEST?

TOSSING IN HIS BED
WHAT’S HE WEARING?  DREAD?

I’M BETTER
BETTER THAN NEIL
IN SO MANY WAYS
IT’S ALMOST UNREAL
OH SURE HE CAN SING
AND PIGGIES CAN SQUEAL
IT’S NOT BIG DEAL
I’M BETTER

SO HE WAS ON BROADWAY
WHILE I WAS ON THE SOAPS
WHO’S GOT THE HIGH SCORE
ON “NINJA ROPES”?
WHO’S GOT BULLET-PROOF
CAR LIKE THE POPE’S?

LOOK AT NEIL MACKIN’
SO SAD HE’S SO LACKIN’

HE MAKES SEVEN FIGURES
AND GETS EMMY NODS
I MAKE SEVEN LAYER
BEAN DIP OF THE GODS
I’M ALSO IN HALO 3
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

NOW MY EARS ARE RINGIN’
‘CAUSE ALL THE GIRLS ARE SINGIN’

I’M BETTER
BETTER THAN NEIL
AT SO MANY THINGS
IT’S HARD TO CONCEAL
OH SURE HE DOES MAGIC
MAGIC’S NOT REAL
HOW DUMB DO YOU FEEL?
I’M BETTER

NEIL PLAYED KID DOCTOR
WELL, SO DID I, DUDE
BUT I WAS MUCH YOUNGER
AND TOTALLY NUDE
NEIL KEPT THAT WHITE COAT ON
GREAT, DOCTOR [bad word] 
LOOK THERE FELICIA GOES
ANOTHER DEAL YOU COULDN’T CLOSE, YEAH

I WINK AT WOMAN
SHE NEEDS DRINK – STAT!
SHE KNOWS I GET EVERYTHING
I’M AIMING AT
EXCEPT FOR THE POPE CAR
I LIED ABOUT THAT

AT LEAST I’M NOT PRONE
TO SINGING ALONE

LOOK AT HIS [bad word] TO MY TALLNESS
MY PORCELIN DOLL-NESS
MY PORT-IN-A-SQUALLNESS
MY KIDS-IN-THE-HALLNESS
MY PINK-FLOYD’S-“THE-WALL”NESS
MY THREE PARTS OF GAULNESS
MY JUST ALL-IN-ALLNESS

MY WONDERFUL  ME-NESS
MY HAMMER – THE PEOPLE CAN TELL
THAT I’M AWFULLY SWELL
WHILE NEIL HAS WEIRD SMELL
I’M JUST SAYING: PURELL

I’M BETTER
BETTER THAN NEIL
AT –WHERE DO I START?
ROMANTIC APPEAL
WE BOTH WENT FOR PENNY
AND WHO COPPED FEEL?
THE [bad word] MAN OF STEEL
I’M BETTER THAN NEIL

YEAH YEAH YEAH
I’M BETTER THAN NEIL
JUST JUMPED OFF MOVING
AUTOMOBILE
HE PLAYS WITH HIS PHONE
WHILE TIRES THEY SQUEAL
IT’S MY SCENE TO STEAL
I’M BETTER THAN NEIL