Once a year we celebrate 
With stupid hats and plastic plates 
The fact that you were able to make 
Another trip around the sun 

And the whole clan gathers round 
And gifts and laughter do abound 
And we let out a joyful sound 
And sing that stupid song 

Happy birthday! 
Now you're one year older! 
Happy birthday! 
Your life still isn't over! 
Happy birthday! 
You did not [bad word] much 
But you didn't die this year 
I guess that's good enough 

So let's drink to your fading health 
And hope you don't remind yourself 
The chance of finding fame and wealth 
Decrease with every year 

Does it feel like you're doing laps 
And eating food and taking naps 
And hoping that someday perhaps 
Your life will hold some cheer 

Happy birthday! 
What have you done that matters? 
Happy birthday! 
You're starting to get fatter 
Happy birthday! 
It's downhill from now on 
Try not to remind yourself 
Your best years are all gone 

If cryogenics were all free 
Then you could live like Walt Disney 
And live for all eternity 
Inside a block of ice 

But instead your time is set 
This is the only life you get 
And though it hasn't ended yet 
Sometimes you wish it might 

Happy birthday! 
You wish you had more money 
Happy birthday! 
Your life's so sad it's funny 
Happy birthday! 
How much more can you take? 
But your friends are hungry 
So just cut the stupid cake 

Happy birthday! 
Happy birthday! 
Happy birthday, dear... 
(random calling out of names, including Ralph, Bill, Ralph Kramden, Skippy the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that leads into "Dangerous")